


Ordinary Woman

by asamandra



Category: Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Don't copy to another site, F/M, Loki is a bastard, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Mind Control, Rape/Non-con Elements, Stephanie Rogers - Freeform, Torture, Trans Character, Trans Steve Rogers, mtf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:47:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23656342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asamandra/pseuds/asamandra
Summary: "She only wanted to live her life like all the other women out there but she wasn't a normal woman. She was Captain Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America, the peak of male perfection."Due to the serum Trans!Steve cannot transition. Whatever they try, nothing works and Stephanie gets more and more depressed and desperate. Until someone offers her a chance...
Relationships: Clint Barton/Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Thor
Comments: 113
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I went through my 'unfinished stories' folder on my external hard disk drive and stumbled over this almost finished story I started some years ago. And so I thought I could pimp it up a bit and post it to AO3.

_She entered her bedroom with lowered eyes to not see the mirrors. She hated them sometimes. Most of the time. Without looking she stripped out of her clothes and went to the bathroom, still not looking into the mirrors. She showered long and extensive._

_Back in the bedroom, a towel wrapped around her body, she opened the dresser. She looked at her clothes and decided on a green, knee-length dress and matching pumps. She opened the towel and threw it onto the bed and put on lace panties and some nylons. She rummaged through a drawer and got on her bra before she slipped into the dress._

_With still lowered eyes she sat down at her make-up table and with practiced motions she put on the wig with the long, blond, curled hair. Thoroughly she started to put on make-up, mascara, eyeshadow, lipstick, then a necklace and matching earrings before she finally looked up at her image in the mirror._

_She sighed. No matter how hard she tried, there would always be the hard edges of her masculine face and she hated it, really hated it. She gritted her teeth and rose, slipped into the pumps and took her purse. With a last glance into the mirror she left the apartment._

_She was on her way to the elevator when she heard_ him _in the living room. Thor. He was with Tony and Clint and apparently they watched a movie because he asked about the motivations of the characters like he always did. She deliberated for a moment to go into the living room with them but she knew, she couldn't stand his glances. And these glances hurt more than not seeing him. And Tony and Clint? Since the two were together it was almost unbearable for her to see them. She didn't begrudge them for their happiness but to see how easy they got together and how difficult her own life was, was more than she could bear right now. That moment the elevator arrived and she rode down to the ground floor._

_She rummaged through her purse and found her sunglasses. She always wore them, when she left the building since she almost got caught by the press some months ago._

_That was another aspect of her life she hated. The world wasn't ready to find out about her. And yet she only wanted to live her life like all the other women out there. She wanted to do her job, she wanted to go shopping, she wanted to find love, she wanted to go to bars and clubs and she wanted to be just an ordinary woman like all the other women. But she wasn't a normal woman, not at all. She was Captain Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America, the peak of male perfection._


	2. Chapter 2

When Stephanie entered the cafe she could feel the glances, like always, like everywhere. She hated it but she couldn't stay at home all the time. She found a table in the back where not too many people could see her and sat down. When the waitress came she ordered a cappuccino and leaned back.

“May I?” She heard a voice and looked up to see a tall, dark-haired man at her table.

“No. I want to stay alone,” she said and looked out of the window. But apparently the man ignored her and sat down opposite her.

“I said, I want to be alone.” she repeated and eyed him up now. There was something familiar with this guy but she couldn't put her finger at it right now.

The waitress came back with the cappuccino and the man ordered a glass of wine for himself. She ignored him, put some sugar in her cup and stirred the hot liquid before she took her first sip. With her tongue she removed the milk froth from her lip and the man still watched her.

“I know who you are,” he stated after a while and took his glass to drink some wine.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” she answered but she felt a lump in her throat and her stomach was tied up in knots.

“Come on, you can dress up all you like, but I know you, Captain Rogers,” the man said and a cruel smile formed on his lips.

“Who are you?” She asked and her face lost all color.

“We already had the pleasure to meet. But let's say I know everything about your _problem_ and I can help you.”

“I... I don't have a problem,” she answered but it didn’t sound convincing. The man cocked his head and grinned now broadly.

“Oh, it's clearly that you have a problem, Steven. Or should I call you Stephanie?”

“Who are you?” She asked and glared at the man.

“Like I said. I'm someone who can help you.”

“Help me with what?” She asked again but she couldn't hide the small hint of hope in her voice. Was it possible? Was there a chance to get the life she always wanted?

“I know who you are and I know what you are. And I know, you hate, what you are. I can help you to be yourself.”

“You don't know anything about me,” she said and swallowed.

“I know that you hate that body of yours because it's wrong. I know that you tried to change it but it won't last. Whatever you tried, your enhanced healing always 'repairs' your body to this male perfection. I know that you tried to take medicines to change it but they didn't take effect. You tried surgery but that was a failure as well. I can help you to be what you really are, Stephanie,” he said, took her hand and placed a small mirror in it and when she looked in it she didn't see the face she was used to, what she saw was a beautiful woman.

“Why would you do this?” She looked up at him and the man's grin got predatory.

“Because you are the one who can help me to get what I want,” he said and took another swallow of his wine.

“What... what do you want?” She asked and swallowed.

“Not now. I leave you now. You think it over.”

“But... what if... how can I contact you... just in case?” She wanted to know and licked over her lips.

“One week. Then we meet again. Here,” he said and rose.

She still had the small mirror and she looked in it again and again she saw the face of the beautiful woman. Was it possible?


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey, come on, honey bunny.” 

Stephanie could hear Clint in the kitchen and then Tony's chuckle. When she looked through the door she saw the archer sitting on one of the counters and the genius standing between his legs with his arms around his waist.

“Oh, then you are pumpkin?” Tony asked and they were so close.

“Good morning,” she heard _his_ voice behind her. Thor. She turned and saw his friendly smile but she knew he was friendly to everyone.

“Morning,” she mumbled and turned to leave when she heard a giggle from the kitchen and she saw Clint pulling Tony into a kiss with his legs.

“Ew! Get a room!” Natasha yelled at them. She sat at the breakfast table in the kitchen and peered at them over her paper. And the two just chuckled but Tony stepped back and Clint hopped down.

“Come on, honey bunny. Let's get a room,” Clint grinned and took Tony's hand.

“Oh. Hey, Steve,” Tony said when they left the kitchen and nearly bumped into her. “Sorry, I meant...” He looked her up but she was in her 'Steve Rogers costume', like always when she was on duty.

“It's okay,” she pressed through her teeth and entered the kitchen to get some breakfast.

“No, it's not okay,” Natasha hissed when the two were gone and she sat down at the table. “They know...”

“Natasha, please... don't,” she said and gritted her teeth. The last thing she needed now was pity. Not when Thor looked at her with this strange expression on his face.

“Okay. Sorry,” Nat said and disappeared behind her paper again.

Thor sat down at the table and took a mug to fill it with coffee. But whenever she looked up, she saw him stare in her direction but quickly lowering his eyes when she caught him. Finally she took her own mug and left. She didn't see the glances Thor and Natasha exchanged.

Outside and alone in the living room she put her hand in the pocket of her pants and felt the small mirror. She pulled it out to take a quick look.

“You okay?” She heard Bruce's voice and when she looked up she saw the scientist in the door frame to the corridor. He had a worried expression on his face.

“Yes, I'm okay,” she lied but she was sure that Bruce could sense she was not. He was one of the doctors who tried to help her with her 'problem' and it was him who told her that Erskine's serum prevented a possible transition.

“If you...” He started again and looked at her but she just shook her head.

“Thank you, Bruce. But I'm okay. Really,” she hissed, pushed the mirror back in her pocket and left the room. She needed distraction and decided to go to the gym to destroy a few punching bags.


	4. Chapter 4

Stephanie sat in her favorite cafe, wearing a brown patterned dress and matching shoes, and waited for him. He said he would come and she wanted to talk to him. She ordered a cappuccino when the waitress came and added too much sugar because she was nervous. Since she last met this man she still had the mirror he gave her and it became her lifeline. Whenever she thought she couldn't stand it any longer she looked into it and saw herself like she should be.

“May I?” She heard his voice and this time she nodded and he sat down. He once again ordered a glass of wine and waited till the waitress brought it.

“How are you?” He asked politely and smiled.

“What do you want?” She asked straightforwardly and took another sip of her cappuccino.

“So, I guess you thought about it?” he said then and leaned back and cocked his head. Stephanie shrugged and swallowed hard. 

“Do you know who I am?” The man suddenly asked and licked his lips.

“No. You said we met but I can't remember,” she admitted and stirred in her cup. He smiled and then his face changed and she sat opposite Loki, brother of Thor.

“You?!” She gasped and wanted to jump up but the man kept smiling and raised his hands in a defensive gesture.

“Please, I just want to talk to you. No need to make a fuss about my presence,” he said and leaned slightly forward.

“I asked you, what do you want,” she repeated after a very long moment, curious what Loki wanted of her.

“I want to help you,” he said and took his glass. “I can understand you, you know? I know what it is like to not be yourself. Odin Allfather raised me as an Æsir but I am a Jötnar. He never told me and I discovered it by accident so believe me when I say, I know what you're going through,” he said and she could hear the sadness in his voice.

“What if I don't want your help?” She asked and folded her arms in front of her chest.

“How often did you use the mirror I gave you?” Loki asked.

“Once or twice,” she said but he could hear that she lied. She wasn't a good liar at all.

“When you look into it, you see yourself. You see, how you should be. A beautiful woman. But when you look in all the other mirrors you see a wrong face, wrong features, a wrong body. Don't you want to have all this? The body and the face you deserve? To be the person you really are? Here?” He pointed at her chest, her heart. “Don't you think you deserve to be yourself?”

“I... I...” She started but then she saw him smile.

“You deserve it. You gave so much for all of these people here. You gave your life and your past and your blood and your body and all you got was pain and humiliation and now it's time that you get something for yourself.” He took his glass and took a sip before he continued.

“All I want from you is to give me back what your teammates have stolen from me.”

“I don't know...” She said and she saw him rise.

“Oh, you know,” he said with a smile. “I will meet you next week again,” he added and left the cafe.

What her teammates have stolen from him? The tesseract? But he knew that it was in Asgard and out of her reach. What else could they have stolen?

She left the cafe and called a cab to drive back to the tower. With her sunglasses on she entered the building through the delivery entrance on the backside.

'We haven't stolen anything else than the tesseract, have we?' She thought and wanted to go to her apartment, when she stumbled upon Tony and Clint in the living room, lying on the couch and heavily making out. She wanted to turn disgustedly when it suddenly hit her.

'There _is_ one more thing we've stolen from him: Clint.'


	5. Chapter 5

Stephanie was in her apartment, sitting at the floor with her back against the entrance door, and she trembled heavily.

'This can’t be real', she thought. 'He can't expect me to turn Clint over to him.'

She let her head drop back against the door and wiped her hand over her face. This was so fucked up. She wished she could go back in time to hit Erskine and throw his serum into the next sewer.

A tear left her eye and ran over her face. 'Why me?' She thought. Then she remembered the mirror and she put it out of her purse. Once again she looked at it and saw herself as she always wanted to be, as she should be.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall...” She murmured and wanted to throw it away but stopped herself a moment later. It could break and then...

She heard a knock at her door but didn't react.

“Stephanie. I know you're here,” she heard Bruce's voice.

“Go away,” she yelled and hit the door with her elbow.

“No,” he said. “I need to talk to you.”

She finally got up and opened the door to glare at the smaller man.

“What?” She snapped and Bruce looked concerned.

“That's what I wanted to ask you,” he said and cocked his head.

“Everything is fine,” she said and wanted to slam her door close but Bruce had his foot in the door frame.

“No, it's not fine. We're all worried about you,” he stated and fiddled with his glasses.

“You don't have to...” She started and wanted to close her door once again.

“Stephanie, please. Is it because the last hormone replacement therapy hasn't worked?” He asked and put on his glasses again.

“No... yes... It's... it's all so...” she started but then she saw Bruce smile.

“Fucked up? Yes, it is.”

“It's... nothing will work, Bruce. I'm stuck in this body and...” she shook her head and Bruce could see a tear in her eye.

“I know. And I'm sorry. But believe me, we try to find a solution. Tony had a few ideas and they might work,” he said and wanted to touch her arm but she withdrew it.

“To be your lab rat for another experiment?” She asked and sighed.

“No! No, not as a lab rat. We just... we try to help you. We don't have the serum and it would make it so much easier if we'd had it. But we'll find a solution.”

“That was what you said the last few times as well,” she finally moved away from the door and stepped into her living room and sat down in an armchair. Bruce followed her and sat down at the couch.

“You know, I had only your blood samples and what I've extracted from them... it's... the serum is very effective _and_ complicated. You can see what it had done to me, to Blonsky. We need time to decode it, to get all it's secrets. It's a shame that Dr. Erskine died. He could've helped you, me, all of us. But without him we need time.”

“Time...” She snorted and licked over her lips. “How much more time? How much more experiments with hormones and radiation and surgery do I have to endure?”

“Stephanie, please... we try to help you. Tony's working really hard to decode the serum. We all do...” He said but she shook her head.

“Don't give up,” he said and rose.

When he was gone she once again took the mirror to look at her face. Her true face and she smiled relieved. With a sigh she decided to go to the gym to work out, to distract herself. She left her apartment and wanted to turn to the elevator to drive down to the gym when the door to Clint's apartment opened and Tony came out, backwards, his face still locked with the archers and he had his shirt in his hand.

“Oh, hey Steph,” Tony said when he saw her and turned back to blow a kiss to his boyfriend. “What are you doing?” He asked and pulled the shirt over his head.

“I need some distraction in the gym,” she said and gritted her teeth.

“Sounds good. But I guess I should go to my lab. I'm not sure if my bots still recognize me,” he grinned and turned to the elevator as well.

'Yeah', she thought. 'I can see how hard he works.'

“I had a sensationally good idea for a new armor for Clint,” Tony said and entered the lift.

“Well, that sounds good,” she pressed through her teeth and pushed the button for the gym.


	6. Chapter 6

“Come on, pumpkin. The car is waiting,” Tony looked at his watch and tapped with his foot.

“Yes, yes, honey bunny,” Clint grinned and came into the communal living room. “Can you...” He pointed at the bow tie and Tony rolled his eyes but helped him. And when he was done he wrapped his arm around his waist and kissed him.

“Stop stalling, honey bunny. The car is waiting,” Clint teased him.

“It's my car and I pay the driver. It can wait for me,” Tony squeezed his butt and Clint yelped.

“Where are you going?” Thor asked while he leaned against the door frame.

“We have our first anniversary,” Clint grinned and took Tony's hand to drag him to the elevator.

“Sorry, big guy. He is in a hurry,” Tony shrugged apologetically and stepped into the cabin.

“I don't know what you all have with these anniversaries,” Thor shook his head when he went back to the living room.

“Me neither,” Natasha said and turned the page in her book.

“And these silly nicknames since we watched this movie... I don't know it's name anymore. You know, that confusing one with the guy who looks a lot like Nick Fury,” Thor said and flopped down at the couch.

“Stephanie?” Bruce asked and looked at her.

“What?” She startled and turned back.

“It's your turn. You seem to be a little bit... distracted,” he said and pointed at the chess board.

“Yes... sorry. I was just thinking about something,” she said and tried to concentrate on their game. She took her knight and captured Bruce's castle.

“Really?” Bruce said and frowned at her.

“What?” She asked, visibly confused now. But Bruce shrugged, took his bishop and made a move.

“Check and checkmate.” She looked at the chessboard. She never made such a rookie's mistake in years but apparently she wasn't concentrated enough.

“Sorry, Bruce. But... I go to bed. I'm... I don't feel well.” She rose and left hastily.

“But...” He started and stared open mouthed. “What was that?” He asked and looked at Natasha and Thor. They both shrugged and were as confused as Bruce.

“She's acting strange in the last few weeks,” Natasha said. Thor bit his lips and furrowed his brows but kept quiet. He didn't know what to say, how to react around Stephanie.

“I guess the last failed therapy upset her more than we thought,” Bruce sighed and reset the chessboard before he went over to the couch to sit down.

“It's not easy,” Natasha admitted. “Not for her, not for us.”

“Yes, I know. But we do what we can. Tony almost decoded the serum and when he's done with it we could start to find a solution.”

“Does she know?” She asked.

“I've told her. But as of late she's... unconcentrated and distracted. And then this obsession with her mirror she always carries around.”

“Someone has to talk to her,” Natasha said and pursed her lips.

“I've tried. I just hope she doesn't do something... imprudent.”

“Like what? Suicide?” Natasha lifted one brow.

“I'm not sure but she seems very depressed. And then she's always confronted with Tony and Clint and their happy relationship and I think it upsets her more than we think.”

“Is there something we can do?” Thor suddenly asked and looked at Bruce.

“I don't know. I'm not a shrink. But I know one. I'll call him tomorrow. Maybe he can help.”

Natasha nodded. They didn't realize that they were not alone.


	7. Chapter 7

A shrink! She doesn't need a shrink. She needs a wonder. Or magic. Dammit! That goddamn Asgardian... no... Jötnar...

No. The price to pay was just too high. She couldn't hand Clint over to his enemy. She couldn't. She knew that he was still terrified of the god. She couldn't do it.

With a tear in her eye she went to her couch and lay down. Sighing she took the mirror to look at her true self. Why does it have to be this complicated?

Tony will decode the serum, Bruce said. He's on it.

_But Tony's either making out with Clint or he's building stuff for him._

They will find a way to help me.

_Bruce doesn't believe in you either. He wants to send you to a shrink. As if you are crazy._

I'm not crazy. I'm a woman stuck in the wrong body and there's no chance to change that.

_But there is a chance._

Yes, there is a chance, but the price is too high. I have to betray my friends.

_Your friends betray you. Look at them. They stop talking when you enter the room, they call you with the wrong name, some of them stopped talking to you entirely._

I won't betray my friends. And I won't sell one of them out to his worst nightmare.

_They don't want to help you. They tolerate your presence because they need Captain America, not you._

They don't just tolerate me, they...

_... talk about you behind your back._

They will help me. They will decode the serum and then they will find a solution...

_… and what are they doing? Tony is out with his lover and Bruce is down with the man you are in love with. With the man who doesn't talk to you since you told him about yourself._

He is not accustomed with transsexuality.

_He is a hypocrite. He has no problem with Tony fucking Clint and he has no problem with Natasha hitting on Pepper but he can't talk to you?_

They will help me. They say...

_… that they work hard on a solution but have you seen them working?_

No, I haven't seen them. But Tony often works at times no one else is awake.

_And what does he do? He built an armor for Clint. He built a new bow for Clint. He improved the quiver for Clint. He invented trick arrows for Clint. He works on his own suit. When does he do something for you?_

He works on the serum. Together with Bruce.

_Have you seen them working on it?_

No, but they won't lie to me.

_Because they are all trustworthy, aren't they?_

I trust them. They are my friends.

_You are more concerned about them than about yourself? That's noble. Because they are not._

They are concerned. That's why they want to help me.

_But where are they? They are not here._

Tony and Clint have their anniversary.

_They celebrate their love. Don't you think you deserve to be loved as well?_

They are my friends. I can't do it. I can't. 

_Why not?_

Because...

“Stephanie?” She startled and put the mirror aside.

“Yes?” It was Bruce's voice.

“You okay?” He asked and opened the door to find her still lying on the couch.

“Yes. Yes, everything is fine,” she smiled. Because this moment she has made a decision.


	8. Chapter 8

This time, when she entered the cafe, Loki was already there. Without asking Stephanie sat down opposite of him.

“Okay. I do it,” she said straightforwardly.

“Good afternoon to you, too,” he smiled and took a sip from his wine. The waitress came and put a cup of cappuccino in front of her and she looked up at Loki askance.

“That was, what you ordered the last times we met,” he shrugged and shoved the sugar over to her.

She added sugar to her beverage and stirred before she took a swallow.

“So, I made a decision. I do it. I'll help you if you help me.”

“That was the deal, wasn't it?” Loki smiled, his head cocked.

“Yes, that was the deal.”

“Okay,” he nodded.

“When... How...” She started and licked her lips but he just took her purse, fumbled for her phone and typed something.

“You can call me when you have him,” he said and gave her the phone back.

“What...” She once again tried but he shook his head.

“Do you really want to know? But he'll like it. Like last time.”

“And what is with me?” She stirred in her cup and bit her lip.

“When I have what I want you get what you want,” he said. Then he rose. “Call me,” he said and with a smile. 

Her stomach turned and she felt nauseous. What the fuck had she just agreed to? She rummaged through her purse and searched for the mirror. She opened it and looked at her image. 

It's wrong, wrong, wrong. I can't do it. She thought.

_No, it's your right to be happy as well._

At the expense of another human? A friend?

_You suffered long enough. You deserve it._

But he doesn't deserve it.

_He's a killer, he killed his friends, he killed his own brother. He's a bad man. He deserves it._

He was mind controlled when he attacked his friends and his brother was a villain.

_He was a villain, too. He killed people for money._

But he changed. He's a good man now.

_But still, he prevents your happiness. He deserves it._

With a sigh she threw the mirror back in her purse. She took a sip of her cappuccino when her glance fell upon a couple and both stared in her direction, whispering and giggling.

'I deserve it. I gave so much for all these people and they’re laughing at me. I deserve it,' she thought.

She shoved her cup away, threw the money on the table and left hastily. She needed a plan. And the sooner she turns him over the sooner she would be free.

'I'm sorry, Clint, but now it's all about me.' She thought.

Once again she sneaked through the backdoor into the tower and went up to her apartment.

She started her computer and looked for the perfect place for her plan…


	9. Chapter 9

“Barton,” Clint said sleepily when he took the call. He was just napping on the couch when the mobile rang.

“Thank god, finally one of you answers his phone.” It was Cap.

“Ste...phanie? What's up?” He sat up and scratched the back of his neck sheepishly even if no one was around. 

“My bike broke down and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere,” Stephanie said and she sounded really annoyed. 

He chuckled slightly. “And now you need a lift?”

“Yes, that would be nice,” she sighed.

“Okay, where are you exactly?” He asked and she told him.

“Wow, that's really in the middle of nowhere. Uhm... give me an hour, then I'll be there.”

“Thanks.”

“You're welcome.” He hung up and Stephanie smiled. Step one, check.

She took her phone and called the other number.

“Yes,” she heard Loki’s voice.

“He's coming. He said he’ll be here in an hour.”

“Okay. I'll be there, too.” Loki hung up. Step two, check.

She sat down beside her bike and waited. Sixty-seven minutes later she saw a SHIELD-pickup and she rose.

“I thought I'll take the pickup, so you can repair your bike at home,” Clint said when he came over to her.

“Okay. Thank you,” she said and she couldn't hide her nervousness. Clint cocked his head and looked at her. He seemed concerned.

“Everything okay?” He asked and she nodded. But when he heard steps behind him he turned.

“I'm sorry, Clint,” she whispered, stepped forward and grabbed his arms to twist them behind his back. Clint was completely taken by surprise. He struggled, tried to fight but Stephanie was way stronger than him. She held his wrists with one hand while the other pressed his body against hers. He kicked with his legs but to no avail, he was helpless.

“What the fuck...” He hissed but then he saw Loki. “No! No!” He tried to get out of her grip but she was Captain America, an enhanced supersoldier extraordinaire. Clint never had a chance but that didn’t mean that he didn't try it. He struggled violently and nearly broke his arm while he tried to get out of her grip when finally the Jötnar was near enough to grab his face.

“How about that! Long time no see,” he grinned maliciously at the archer who still tried to get out of the iron grip around his wrists and his body.

“What...” He started but Loki put his hand over his mouth.

“You're quiet now, little Hawk,” Loki handed Stephanie some leather straps.

“Put him back in his jesses,” he said and turned to move a few steps back.

“No... please... don't do this... please...” Clint pleaded, harshly panting, and she could hear the panic in his voice when she forced him down to the ground. He still tried to fight but she was so much stronger than him. With her knee in his back she held him down while she tied his hands with the leather straps tightly together.

“Stop, Steve, please...” He panicked and writhed and fought against the ties.

“Stephanie! Not Steve!” She hissed angrily and dragged him up.

“He's all yours,” she said when the Jötnar came over to them and she held Clint in a tight grip. Loki forced Clint's mouth open and gagged him with a cloth.

“Yes, he is,” he then said and stroked Clint's face with his hand. “Mine!” He smiled and his hand wandered down over Clint's body to his private parts. “All mine.” He chuckled when Clint shook his head.

“We take this vehicle,” Loki finally said and pointed at the pickup. “You can drive it?” He asked.

“Yes, but you said...” Stephanie started and squinted her eyes.

“I know what I said and you can take my word for it. But it will need some time. So, if you don't want to stay here on the street for the next week then we have to use that car.”

“Okay,” she nodded and dragged the heavily struggling Clint onto the truck bed and secured him with the jesses. She tied his feet to his hands and then she used the blanket she found in the pickup to cover him from curious eyes. He shook his head pleadingly and she saw the dread in his eyes before she threw the blanket over his head.

“Where are we going?” She asked when she sat behind the wheel.

“I have a place where no one will find us,” Loki grinned and she started the car.


	10. Chapter 10

“What do you mean, they are gone. Gone where?” Tony asked after entering the conference room at the SHIELD-base. Natasha, Thor and Bruce were already there.

“We don't know, Mr. Stark,” Coulson said and pointed at a chair for him to sit down.

“And what do you know?” He ignored the gesture and started to pace.

“We know that we can not contact Agent Barton or Captain America. We found their phones outside on a secluded side road together with Roger's bike. There are skid marks matching to our pickups and one of them is missing. We tried to locate it's GPS signal but it got lost at the same point where we found the bike. We checked the phone calls. Barton got a call five hours ago and we could track it to a prepaid cell. That's it. After he got the call he left and then... nothing.”

“Okay, so you want to say they are gone and no one knows where?” Tony spat and glared at Coulson.

“We're working on it,” he said.

“Yes, I can see that,” Tony snorted and wiped with his hand over his face.

“Mr. Stark, please...” Coulson started again.

“Someone kidnapped Hawkeye and Captain America and all we do is sitting around and talking?” Tony glared at the others.

“We don't know if they are kidnapped.”

“Yeah, sure. So what, they are eloped to Vegas?”

“Tony, please. Calm down,” Bruce rose and tried to appease him.

“Calm down? Are you kidding me? Someone kidnapped my fiancé and one of my friends. I don't sit around and talk,” Tony snarled. He opened the door and darted off.

“Tony, what...” Natasha came after him. “What are you going to do?” She asked and Tony could hear the concern in her voice.

“I... I don't know. I find them. For better or worse.”

“What can I do?”

“Did he say anything before he left?”

“No. I was here to train the junior agents.” She shook her head.

“Dammit! We need to find them.”

“I know. And we will find them.”

“But where? When? And in what condition?” He sounded desperate.

“Come on, Tony. You have to keep it up if we want the two of them back.” She slapped his arm and he nodded.

“Yes, you're right. Okay, let's find them,” he sighed and went back to the conference room with her. They needed to plan how to find the two.

***

She was in the old warehouse Loki used as headquarters. Half an hour ago Loki and three of his henchmen entered the office where she had brought Clint into. She could hear him. His screams weren't loud but her hearing was enhanced, too. She sat on a bench and tried to block them out.

She managed another fifteen minutes before she left the building.

“What have I done?” she thought and rummaged in her pocket for the mirror.

_You've done the right thing._

They hurt him.

_You had to decide between him and yourself and you've made the right decision._

I'm not sure.

_Look at you. You are beautiful. Do you really want to lose it because of him?_

No. But he doesn't deserve what they do to him.

_You don't deserve to be stuck in this body as well. It's over soon._

What will happen to him?

_He's a traitor. He needs to be punished._

With a sigh she put the mirror back. One week Loki said, then she could be herself, her true self. One week.


	11. Chapter 11

“Lie down,” Loki said and Stephanie looked at him questioningly but then he pointed at the table and she obeyed, swallowing hard.

She didn't know when he got his scepter back but he had it and he pointed the sharp tip at her heart and murmured words in an old, rough language. She felt something warm spreading from the tip and seeping into her body, running through all the cells and nerve tracts. It was pleasant at first but after a while she felt the sting and it got painful. She groaned and grabbed the edges of the table with her hands. Just when she thought she couldn't stand it any longer, Loki stopped.

She was soaked in sweat and everything hurt. Loki put the scepter away and touched her arm. It stung and she hissed slightly.

“Good. The transition has started. It will take a few days and we have to repeat it daily but it will work,” he smiled and left her.

She waited till the pain subsided before she rose. Her knees shook and she felt old right now.

When she came back to the main room she found Loki sitting with his men, planning and talking about an attack. She had a good guess about the target but she gritted her teeth and kept quiet.

One of the thugs Loki recruited was up on his way to the old office where she knew Clint was in.

“Where are you going?” She asked and the man looked at her questioningly but then pointed at the paper bag he had in his hand.

“Feeding the prisoner,” he said and furrowed his brows.

“May I?” She asked and the man turned to look at Loki. The Jötnar had seen it and nodded so the man shrugged and handed her the bag with the food.

She took it and climbed up the stairs to get to the room. It was locked but the key hung outside on a hook. She opened the door and entered.

The Jötnar and his goons had thrown out the desk and the other office stuff and put a small cot in. But it was empty. When she looked around she saw Clint lying at his side on the floor behind the door, his knees drawn up to his body and his arms wrapped around his legs. They had put a collar around his neck and fastened him with chains to a ring, fixed into the wall and they'd taken away his clothes. There was blood on the cot and she swallowed. She turned to Clint and saw bruises on his hips and his arms and welts on his back. His eyes were closed but she could hear that he was awake. His breathing was too fast for someone sleeping.

_‘Oh god, what have I done?’_

“Clint?” She hunkered down beside him and deliberated if she should touch him or not.

“Clint. I... I have something to eat for you,” she said and placed the paper bag within his reach. He didn't move or show any reaction. But when she got up and wanted to leave, she heard his voice, very quietly.

“Sorry,” he murmured and then she saw him swallow. A single tear left one of his eyes. She was confused. Why would he apologize?

“Why sorry? What are you sorry for?” She asked and turned back to him.

“I don't know. For whatever I've done to you.” She blinked at him and now she could see that his eyes were open and he looked up to her.

“Clint...” Her voice was strangled and she slapped a hand over her mouth.

“I don't know what I've done to you, I don’t know why you hate me so much but I'm sorry for it,” he murmured again.

She wanted to say that it wasn't his fault but she couldn't do it.

With her hand over her mouth she turned and wanted to leave when she heard his voice again.

“Stephanie? Why are your eyes silver?”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: rape!!

“Tony, you've got a package,” Bruce said and put an envelope onto the coffee table. Tony was in the communal living room and worked like a maniac on his mission to find his fiancé.

“I don't have time. I need to...” He startled but Bruce interrupted him.

“I... I guess it's important,” he said softly and grabbed Tony's hands to keep him from typing.

“Bruce, I... I have to find him,” Tony hissed and wanted to go back to his work but Bruce took the package and placed it on Tony's StarkPad.

To: Tony Stark  
From: Clint Barton

“What is this?” Tony whispered and blinked a few times.

“A bike courier brought it.”

Without thinking twice he tore open the envelope to find a DVD. He jumped up, put his StarkPad aside and hurried to the DVD-Player.

When he started the DVD he could see Clint, being tied up and gagged and dragged by three men to a room with a small cot in it. He struggled violently and the few times Tony could see his face he could see that he was scared.

The man with the camera turned and then Tony and Bruce saw a familiar face: Loki.

“You took away what is rightfully mine, Mr. Stark. I retrieved my Hawk as you can see. He needs to be punished but then he will be my loyal warrior again. Enjoy the show, Mr. Stark because what happens to him now is all your fault,” he grinned that malicious grin and the man turned back to Clint. And now Tony knew why he was this terrified.

“Undress him,” Loki commanded and the men started to cut Clint's clothes off of his body. He shook his head and screamed into his gag but still struggled and kicked out but his feet were tied as well. Nevertheless, he managed to kick one of the men holding him into the face. He bled like a stuck pig but didn’t let go of Clint. 

When he was naked two of the men untied his hands but held them relentless. They forced him to the floor and the third man had a whip in his hand.

“No!” Tony gasped. He slapped a hand over his mouth and tears started to well up when he could hear the cracking sound of the leather strap connecting with Clint's unprotected skin. At first he managed to keep quiet but after the first few lashes he howled in pain. They flogged him till he was nearly unconscious.

“Stop,” the Asgardian commanded finally and the men obeyed. The man with the camera took a close shot of Clint's body and Tony and Bruce could see angry welts but no broken skin. It had to hurt like a motherfucker nevertheless. Clint breathed heavily and fast and Tony could see tears in his eyes.

“Strap him onto the bed,” Loki demanded and the men complied. They threw the archer onto his back and he screamed again. They forced his hands up and chained them to the metal frame of the bed. He tried to fight but he had no chance against them.

“Inflict pain on him,” Loki said and he sounded completely uninvolved.

“God, no!” Tony trembled and Bruce put his arm around his shoulder.

The men grinned lecherously when they forced Clint's legs apart. Two of them held them and the third knelt between his thighs and opened his pants. And without preparation he shoved his cock in Clint's body. Tony could see his lover throw his head back into the cushion and he squeezed his eyes shut but the pained sound was more than he could bear. Clint's knuckles went white around the metal frame of the bed and he still fought against the man but he was helpless. Tony could see blood on the sheet below him. With a violent shrug he shoved Bruce aside and ran to the waste bucket to throw up. In the background he could hear his lover being brutally raped, could hear the laughter of the men and the muffled screams and he saw Bruce struggle with himself to not hulk out.

The men made lewd comments while they took their turns and then they made Clint come. With tears in his eyes he spilled his seed over his own body before they freed his hands, collared him and tied him to a ring in the wall. 

“I hope you enjoyed our show, Mr. Stark.” Loki said with an evil grin. “The next time you meet the Hawk, he will be my loyal warrior again.” And then the screen went black.


	13. Chapter 13

They were in this warehouse for five days now and every day Stephanie had a session with Loki. The transition was visible by now. Her body had changed and it felt wonderful. Her face was softer, not those hard, male features anymore. She was almost completely female and she loved it, loved it so much. She had curves now and the annoying appendage between her legs was gone. The only sting was that she knew what Loki and his thugs did to Clint every day. She heard his screams and she saw him when she brought him his food.

He was nearly unresponsive by now. The second time she was with him he still pleaded to let him go, he wanted to be with Tony but now he just lay there and stared into space. He didn't even bother to eat anymore and she had to force some food and water into him. She hated it but Loki wanted him alive.

She knew, that Loki sent a video of Clint's torture and rape to Tony and she felt miserable about it. But on the other hand, Tony had had his chance to help her and he didn't lift a finger.

She was outside of the building and she sat on the floor with her back at the wall, the mirror in her hand.

_Look at you. You are so beautiful. Thor will love you. He won't resist you any longer._

Yes, it is true. But the price...

_Don't think about the price. No price is too high for your dream._

All those ugly male features. They are gone.

_You are so pretty. And you deserve it._

What about Tony? What about Clint?

_They betrayed you. They deserve to be punished._

But I can not go back to them.

_They won't recognize your new self. You can start a new life from the beginning. You so deserve it after all what you did for them._

Yes, I deserve it. I deserve a new life.

_And soon his punishment will be over. Then he will live a life at my side, as my second in command again._

What about Tony? He will suffer because of his loss.

_He is Tony Stark. He will soon find another plaything._

Yes, he is Tony Stark. He will get over it.

_And imagine, Thor will see the beautiful woman you've always been and he will love you._

I deserve it.

_Yes, you deserve it._

She smiled.


	14. Chapter 14

Tony was nearly constantly awake since he got the DVD. Two times he passed out from sheer exhaustion, but it only lasted a few hours and it wasn't really a recreational sleep. He tossed around and had nightmares and so he preferred to be awake and on caffeine the whole time.

Tony had seen the video many, many times. It was horrible to see the man he loved being tortured and raped repeatedly but he still hoped to find something that would give him a hint where to find him. But till now he hasn't found anything.

On the other hand, he was so exhausted that he couldn't really concentrate and he was mean and snappy and threw things around. Yesterday he yelled at Bruce and the man nearly lost control. It took him two hours of meditation to calm down.

The courier who brought the envelope said he got it from a guy he met somewhere in the city. He gave them the description of the man and Coulson could identify him as Martin Murphy, former cop gone rogue a few years ago. They tried to find him but his apartment was empty and it seemed as if he weren't there for days.

Together with Bruce Tony started once again to analyze the video. One thing was obvious. They hurt Clint but they didn't injure him. Tony had a good guess why. Loki wanted Clint to be able to fight. And that was, what he feared the most. That he had to fight against the man he loved, that he maybe had to hurt him... or worse.

And then, they knew exactly what happened to Hawkeye, but nothing about Captain America. It was as if Earth swallowed her. Tony wouldn't admit it, but he was really anxious. What if they had killed her? She was vulnerable at the moment and maybe they managed to hurt or kill her.

This evening, when he went to the communal living room, he found Natasha, watching the DVD again. Tony stumbled into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He stopped with coffee some time ago and has switched to energy drinks. He just opened a can of Monster when Natasha yelped and then called for Tony.

He ran into the living room and looked around frantically.

“What? What is?” He asked and Natasha pointed at the screen.

“Jarvis, can you enlarge the upper third on the right side and then zoom at the background?”

“Of course, Agent Romanov,” the AI replied and did as told.

“There, this figure with the blue shirt, can you get that face?”

The figure got bigger but it was blurred. “Can you sharpen it?” She asked and the AI started to work on the picture.

“Is that...” Tony started and stared at the picture.

“I'm not sure. It seems to be her,” Natasha said and a few minutes later they could see the face.

Captain America, talking casually with Loki in the background while Clint got tortured at the same moment.

“Shit!” Natasha said after looking at Tony's face.

“Oh god, that bastard helped him.”

**Author's Note:**

> [asamandra on tumblr](http://asamandra.tumblr.com/)   
>  [clintbartonruinedmylife on tumblr](https://clintbartonruinedmylife.tumblr.com/)   
> 


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